They call this process “formation” and I thought that sounded a bit strange and foreign, but it is starting to make sense now.
I am a week into my newly-restructured life and still trying to make sense of it all. Nowhere near caught up on anything. Struggling to stay off the social media sites long enough to get my assignments read – my hunger for community is overriding my thirst for information, it seems. But not strongly enough to overcome my reluctance to call people on the phone. (I hate to call people on the phone and ask them for things. It is just so very not okay.)
Trying not to worry about deadlines without letting them sneak up on me either. I’m feeling insufficiently successful at this, too. Deadlines have always been one of my weak points. I want to trust the process and let things unfold at their own pace, but, deadlines happen.
A lot of this navel gazing is the aftermath of the Career Assessment program I did last week, which left me more than a little shaken at the degree and kind of personal work I need to get into. Without going into unbloggables, let’s just say that… some of the old spiritual damage I knew I had goes deeper than I thought it did, and apparently “shrug it off and deal” is something I’m not going to be able to get away with anymore. (But how would I have known? It’s always been that way, as long as I can remember.) Not looking forward to that process. Maybe I am looking forward to the outcome. Maybe learning to feel normally will turn out as well as learning how to breathe normally. But I have considerable trepidation regarding the process.
Need to get all this junk out of the way so I can make some progress. Or, second-guessing myself, why am I in a hurry when I don’t know where I’m going?
I will say good things about the folks at the center where I did the CA – they were kind and gentle and professional about poking around in all the bruised and broken places in my soul. That is what they are there to do. And aside from that particular bit, the program was good – although perhaps premature for me, since so much of it had to do with things I don’t know yet… I am on the edge of working up a big bag of nervous about that whole process, but the interview part is done with and it will be several weeks before the report is ready, and hopefully by then I will be resigned to whatever comes. I am, on some level, afraid that I will be turned away for being too formless, or too broken.
I want to be believed in.
Except I am already; I know that is true – but in my deep fears I don’t trust that it will stay true when I need it. That is where I am broken and have a lot more healing and growing to do than I imagined. I am sure it is not the only place, but this is the broken glass that is catching the light at this point.
What is this thing we call beloved community? Is it big enough to carry all our fears? Is it big enough to carry mine? Is it safe not only to share my joys and triumphs but also to bring my fears and failures? Are people actually okay with that? I don’t want to impose… it is strange and wonderful when I start to imagine that I matter, not only for the good I may do or the gifts I may bring, but just for being human. I am repeatedly startled and humbled when I notice people behaving as if I were no less worthy of respect or fairness or compassion than the next person. It seems an awfully nice idea. I could get to like this. But I have a very hard time expecting it to be true.
I am only just starting to question where these doubts come from.
This is very uncomfortable stuff.