It’s gone from mud season into full blown spring in the last few days. Everything is sprouting and growing and blooming. I haven’t been able to breathe for a week.
Spring is not my favorite season. I am trying to appreciate the warm sunshine and the vibrant new colors of life returning to the earth but mostly I am just trying to get enough oxygen to my brain to stay upright and functional without making too much noise coughing my lungs out.
Between being predictably seasonally ill, wrangling paperwork, holding down a day job, and the ongoing situation with my mother-in-law, I have not made a whole lot of time for introspection and reflection this week. Mother-in-law may be returning to Maine tomorrow from her stay in a Boston hospital. Or not. What we know keeps changing. She will not be headed directly home, but to a nursing facility for the interim recovery period. There is still a lot of work to do at the house and I have not been up to any of it.
Paperwork wrangling is an ongoing source of despair. I have just about made peace with the financial planning form, but the student loan request is taunting me. I do not want to take out loans the first year if I can possibly manage without doing so; I anticipate needing to borrow more heavily later into my degree program and I don’t want to front-load the debt. On the other hand, I haven’t been able to figure out how much trouble I am going to get into if I don’t submit the request promptly, now, and then decide halfway through the academic year that I should have borrowed more money.
I also made some inquiries about CPE programs for next summer, and reviewed the application form for that, and had another moment of existential angst, because of course they want an academic reference and I will not have started classes yet by the time I need to submit that application, but if I don’t submit the application early enough to get a space in the program that’s available at the right time then that throws a cascading failure into two years worth of coursework and this, this, friends and readers, is the down side of being a “Big Picture” person with long vision and vivid imagination. Because I can see, so clearly, all the ways that things can potentially fail and fall apart and turn into a catastrophic clusterfuck of epic proportions… and I am really, really weak at seeing the next discrete step toward avoiding disaster.
Work, of all things, is going surprisingly well. Have been discreetly working on exit strategy with supervisor, who is very sorry to see me going and also very supportive, which I suppose I could have expected (but I didn’t dare trust the latter, in light of the former and my own propensity for disaster modeling). I am planning to be there through at least most of September – longer if I can manage to balance my workloads, because I need the cash flow. But I also need silent reflection time and trying to do too much at once is not conducive to that.
I should have gone to bed an hour ago. I’m going to be dead exhausted tomorrow. But I’m already dead exhausted thanks to my promiscuous plant friends trying to pollinate my respiratory tract, and my immune system with all the hair-trigger paranoia of a mad third-world dictator threatening to nuke everyone in the vicinity for looking at him funny.
Breathe. Just…. breathe.