I have not had too much time to put toward the spiritual life lately – the material life has been unusually busy and chaotic. Tonight there seems to be something of a lull in the storm and while it would be good to call it an early night and get some extra sleep, I’m feeling the need for some quiet reflective time.
This process of unfolding into whoever I am becoming (me, only more so) is not an entirely comfortable one. I keep finding edges and bits of crazy that leave me wondering how I ever got this far being this broken. I am not sure that I am more than usually screwed up, mind you – I imagine that a great many people are walking bags of crazy, kludged together from what was available in the moment – but it was almost easier not being conscious of every sharp edge and sandpapery corner and all the raw spots that come from the grinding together of things that don’t fit well. Numb doesn’t ache.
I have reason to imagine that the formation process will take me quite apart before it puts me back together, minus some of the junk I am carrying around, and with the remaining bits in a stronger and more functional order. I think this will turn out okay in the end, but the middle is going to have some interesting (and challenging!) bits.
I am tired. I look into myself and see someone weary and angry and sad and sore and human in all the beautiful imperfection that holds. I am deeply frustrated with a laundry list of vexing things, some petty, some justifiable (and who justifies my frustration?) and I have another list of worries and fears and raw tender places in myself that warrant care, and I am fighting a little war with myself over whether to attend to me or to the thousand externalities that want my attention.
It is a fragile place in my soul that is repeatedly surprised when people behave as though I am important and worthy of kindness and love. I am not sure why this should be so startling; this does not seem like a healthy thing. I hope that in uncovering it I am giving it a chance to heal, and not exposing it to further injury.