But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Yes, it’s been a few weeks since I posted anything substantial. I have been busy, just not here – ginning up the resolve to ask for letters of reference, then buckling down and writing the first draft of my application essay. I’m letting that sit awhile to let the flavors mellow. It’s possibly the first time I’ve ever finished anything far enough in advance of the deadline to allow for reflection and revision. I need to mail that, along with the rest of the completed application, next week. And once our taxes are filed, I’ll need to figure out how the student aid application works – another unfamiliar process that has deadlines.

I’ve had a fragment of an unwritten song flitting about my head, something to do with clay and bricks and the whole which is greater than the sum of its component parts, but the Muse has a tendency to stop by at inconvenient times, when I’m unable to take advantage of her gifts. Maybe I’ll find that little scrap of paper and it will jog my memory long enough to get something substantial written down. I’ve never actually finished one of my own musical compositions – and for that matter, the only arrangements I’ve finished have been when somebody needed something on deadline.

Maybe I need to set deadlines for finishing songs… but not right now, I have enough things to finish on deadline. I can make more deadlines when the application is completely done and mailed and I am waiting for the reply. Except then that’s getting closer to Easter, and I will probably be busy with the other sort of making music, and I’ll also need to be thinking seriously about how to manage going to GA in June… if I can get the time off work. Last year it looked like this year might be doable; staffing changes are making plans at that range seem more uncertain than they had been. I am not looking forward to the conversation with my boss(es) about my intended plans. Putting that off until I know something more solidly about how long I might be working there.

I’m in a peaceful, quiet place at the moment, feeling the need for reflection rising up in the midst of the chaos and hurry. Something is pulling at my soul, but I’m not sure in what direction or why – a vague longing, that old familiar sense of looking for something but having no clear idea what. It will be obvious when the time is right, but in the interim, I just don’t know what I’m missing.

I had the same sense of looking for something after the prayer breakfast and presentation last Monday. Yes, I did ultimately get myself up and dressed and over town on my day off, and it was worth the going, both because the presentation itself was powerful and because the turnout was at least twice what the organizers expected. I lingered afterward for a little while, looking for something – someone asked me, actually, what I was looking for, but I never knew and still don’t. I had then a sense of missed opportunity, but it’s not clear to me what it was. The Universe is an intermittently patient teacher; I trust that if it is trying to show me something and I’m too dense to get the message, it will try again. I suspect I have a lesson coming.

I need to give more attention to self-care in the form of getting to bed on time, exercising regularly, and eating healthier snacks instead of bingeing on junk food. I feel like a slug, and it’s starting to show.

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