Paranoia is a bitch.
I was planning a reflection on one of the somethings I’ve been tumbling around lately, maybe it was the electoral process, or maybe another thing entirely. I’ve forgotten, and I’m stressing out again, because my other half came up behind me and started reading over my shoulder, and asked if “Sand Hill Diary” was a local blog, and I am not ready to deal with this. If I wanted to talk about the things I write here with the person I share a home with, the person I see first thing every morning and last thing every evening and pretty regularly during all the waking hours in between, do I not have plenty of opportunities to do so? That I have chosen not to do so, should be a clear indicator.
I am not sure what is so hard to communicate about needing psychological space. I do see a pattern where the more I withdraw, the more interested Spouse is in what I’m doing, then the more wary and withdrawn I want to be, and the cycle reinforces itself.
I want to spin a cocoon and hide inside it for the duration of this transformation. I don’t know what I’m becoming, and I can’t explain how or why it’s happening, or even exactly what’s happening, but I do know that I need privacy and space in which to let it happen. I’m tired of being defensive all the time, and I’m tired of feeling so strongly that I need to defend my space and my silence. It should just happen, it should just be there when I need it, or at least when I make a space and a silence for my own personal spiritual use, it should stay made and not get filled up by a well-meaning and loving person who cannot understand that “not visibly engaged in some activity” is not equivalent to “available for interaction.”
I wish I could rig up some sort of LED headband that would have little flashing lights on it to indicate “Busy – not available” — sort of like the ones you see on office phones sometimes that light up when the line is in use.
And when I get worked up like this, I can’t think clearly, and I can’t write. So yeah, Spouse is leaving me alone, downstairs watching a movie, but I’m not in an emotional state to make good use of the time, because I’m going to be waiting for the interruption until the movie is over and Spouse is snoring in bed.
And that is how I end up staying up way past my bedtime.