I’m a bit stuck again. This is not a surprise; it’s an annoyance, a known issue, what you might call a growing edge: I’ve been out of the church closet (or at least flung the door open) on the internet for roughly a month, but I’ve still not worked up the nerve to talk to anyone else in person about this. I’m not sure why it should end up being so difficult but for me, it is.
Partly I know it’s because I am as human as the next person, and I am afraid of change, and following through with this — I’ve rewritten it several times, because all the words are strange and look foreign together. This thing that is happening and taking me along in it. I have a lot of trouble writing things like “my calling” and “my call to service” and “my ministry.” Those words belong to someone I’m turning into, but there are days like today when I’m so very much not there yet. The unknown is getting to me again, and I’m getting in my own way, tripping over my own feet.
Lately I have been as close to prayer as I ever get. This, too, is uncharted territory.
Really, I need to suck it up and go talk to people, take just a little bit of risk (risk of what, anyway?) and hopefully find somewhere to rest on my journey. I am trying to talk myself into this, trying to persuade myself that it’s not an imposition, or at least not an unwelcome one, to gently ask whether anyone might be interested in this chapter of this particular story. I wish it were easier for me to trust that I am not existing in an excessively inconvenient manner. It’s a recurring surprise to me that anyone’s reading this blog at all. I do not think I am that interesting. I would say that the story I am in the middle of is not that interesting either, except that I keep scraping around on the internet looking for other people who are telling their own iterations of it, so I can read ahead and see what the interesting parts look like. I am stuck in the boring bit in the second chapter where the protagonist becomes an angst bunny and indulges in too much navel-gazing.
I think I will be much more settled when I get past the transition from “nobody knows anything’s changed” to “okay, this is the new reality going forward.” I am fascinated by borders and transitions but that does not mean, at all, that I am comfortable living in this one.