Should I stay or should I go?

The question I’ve been sitting with the last week or so is one of time management, in the long term sense. I have yet to discern whether I’m rushing headlong into this thing, or dawdling around procrastinating. My temporary working solution is that as long as I haven’t figured out whether I need to be going faster or slower I am probably going the speed I need to be going. This is not at all satisfying but it keeps the peace.

I am starting to float down on the side of “probably dawdling and need to take baby steps.” My tendency toward procrastination is a known issue, one that I am still learning to mitigate (and probably always will be.) The most effective solution so far is to figure out what I’m avoiding, why I’m avoiding it, and what discrete, incremental steps will get me closer to the end point from where I currently am. I am not good at this – I am very much a “big picture” thinker, and whittling a huge project down to the “but what step do I take next?” level is… not always as obvious to me as it might be to a more concrete thinker.

This is what user manuals are for, if you can find them.

There are probably more steps, little ones, that I could take at this point.

I want to imagine that I am not rushing into things or acting in rash haste. Objectively, it seems that this could be so – half a year ago none of this was on the radar, let alone on the agenda. How does an inner life turn so completely upside down in so short a time? I remember there was one point this past spring when I emailed one of my friends from my Pagan days, knowing she would understand what I meant when I said it seemed I was receiving another Initiation. And that was before the really interesting stuff started happening. It is the strangest thing to become so empty and worn and brittle that you shatter under the least provocation – like a windshield struck by a pebble, is it the pebble’s fault? And then, afterwards, to realize what is slowly emerging through the cracks between the glass shards of the soul — that is astonishing.

And then, to recognize that it was all there, all along, forgotten and packed away? Well. Now we have it, we must do something with it; let us make better mistakes this time.

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